The two day-old luckiest human in the world was carried out to his royal subjects today for the first time in his life, and as his mom Duchess Meghan and his dad Prince Ginger DILF cheesed at the mouth and said all the things that new parents are supposed to say about their newborn baby, he laid there thinking, “Will you arses tell them my name already, so they can stop calling me by my title, which sounds like Mischa Barton’s nickname on The O.C. set!”
Since Meghan and PHG are rebel royals who are CHANGING THE MONARCHY FOREVER, they didn’t do the usual photographer meet-and-greet in front of a massive crowd of peasants and reporters outside of the Lindo Wing a minute after she gave birth. As expected, Meghan and PHG waited a couple of days to bring out their son and did it at St. George’s Hall in Windsor Castle, where they had their wedding reception. There was one reporter, one photographer, and two camera crews including one from CBS News, which pissed off the British media. It was almost the opposite of Princess Diana and Duchess Kate’s post-birth appearances. Although, Meghan did manage to take on a pair of condom-colored heels.
They were asked the regular boring questions, and weren’t asked a question that any serious journalist would ask, which is, “But girl, did you poop on the table?” When asked how she feels about being a new mom, Meghan had to shamelessly rub her perfect life in our faces by saying that it’s magic, it’s pretty amazing, she’s so happy, and she has the two best guys in the world. They also said that their baby son is really calm, and well, we would be all be calm too if we knew we were never going to hear the words, “Your card declined,” ever!
They were also asked the question that every single parent of a newborn is asked. They were asked who their baby looks like and Meghan said they were trying to figure that out, and PHG added:
“Everyone says babies change so much over two weeks. We’re basically monitoring how the changing process happens over this next month, really. His looks are changing every single day, so who knows?”
Here’s a close-up of Baby Earl of Dumbarton:
Usually a newborn baby looks like a newborn baby to me, but not Meghan and PHG’s son. He looks green to me. Strangely, enough so does she. But that just could be from the rays of pure jealousy coming out of my eyes. It was also smart of them to put that beanie on his head. No, they didn’t do it to keep his delicate newborn head warm. That’s crazy! They did it, because you know how after the makeovers on America’s Next Top Model, they make the models wear beanies or scarves to keep their makeover under wraps? That’s what’s happening here, because I’m sure that underneath that beanie is a field of glorious baby ginger hair, and we’re not ready for that magnificent drama yet. Keep ’em waiting, Baby Earl of Dumbarton!
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