You’re probably rolling your eyes at me like, “Bitch, shut up, Andrew Garfield can totally pull off Tammy Faye.” But sadly, Andrew Garfield is not slapping a pair of tar-dipped tarantulas from heaven onto his eyes to play Tammy Faye. Jessica Chastain is taking Tammy Faye and Andrew Garfield is taking Jim.
Variety says that comedian/director Michael Showalter, who directed The Big Sick and Hello, My Name Is Doris (and co-created Wet Hot American Summer), will direct a Jim and Tammy Faye biopic based on the masterpiece documentary The Eyes of Tammy Faye. It will follow Jim and Tammy Faye as they build a kingdom of MONAY!!!! using Jesus’ name before it all crumbled from fraud, embezzlement, and rape allegations from then church secretary Jessica Hahn. Vanilla Ice, Erika Estrada, and Ron Jeremy shouldn’t expect a phone call, because I don’t think this biopic is going to cover Tammy Faye’s Surreal Life days, sadly.
Jessica Chastain is also going to produce.
In case you need a refresher, this is what Jim and glamour and yodeler icon Tammy Faye looked like:
You know, every night, I kiss “Idris Elba” (aka the pillow on the left side of me) and “Alexander Skarsgard” (aka the pillow on the right side of me) goodnight, so I obviously have an imagination. But I can’t see Jessica Chastain as Tammy Faye at all. They’re going to break the budget on wigs, lead-based paint, prosthetics, and the best plastic spider lashes that money can buy. And Jessica is going to break her knees from walking around with heels on them since she’s 5’4″ and Tammy Faye was 4’11”.
Besides, we already got the flawless kewpie nightingale Bernadette Peters as a natural Tammy Faye (WHERE IS THE FACE PAINT?) in that TV movie which also starred creepy Kevin Spacey as creepy Jim Bakker:
And Catherine O’Hara as Tammy Faye:
The televangelist biopic we really need is THE JAN CROUCH STORY!
Jessica Chastain better stay away from this one too, because the only thing that should play Jan Crouch is a really dramatic-looking cotton candy with fake eyelashes slapped on.
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