Oh, Natalie Portman and Moby, they could’ve been the Queen and King of Vegans, but the only problem is, according to her, is that she never ever wanted to lick celery leaf butter off of his bald head (or whatever you vegans do during sex), and saw him more as a vegan Woody Allen creeping on a barely legal girl. “That’s slanderous! I’d never creep on someone legal,” cried Woody Allen.
In Moby’s latest memoir, Then It All Fell Apart, which came out earlier this month, he wrote about the “thing” he had with Natalie Portman in 1999 when she was “20” and he was 33. Natalie was actually 18 in 1999. Moby writes that after he performed a show in Austin, he was told that Natalie was at the backstage door and wanted to meet him. Moby brought Natalie to the dressing room he shared with the band and crew, and made awkward small talk as he drank a beer. Natalie told him that she loved his album, and when he told her that they were going to be in NYC for the MTV VMAs in a few days, she told him she was going to be there too and asked him if they could meet up.
This was confusing. I was a bald binge drinker who lived in an apartment that smelled like mildew and old bricks, and Natalie Portman was a beautiful movie star. But here she was in my dressing room, flirting with me.
“Yeah, let’s meet up in New York,” I said, trying to emanate a degree of confidence that I had never in my entire life actually felt.
“Well, I should go,” she said. “Can you walk me to my car?”
Moby says that he and Natalie met up in NYC, and they went to a couple of after-VMA parties together. Later in the book, Moby says that he and Natalie met up again in 1999 when she was at Harvard, and their date included kissing under some trees.
I took a taxi to Cambridge to meet Natalie. We held hands and wandered around Harvard, kissing under the centuries-old oak trees. At midnight she brought me to her dorm room and we lay down next to each other on her small bed. After she fell asleep I carefully extracted myself from her arms and took a taxi back to my hotel.
If that sounds like a work of fiction straight out of a Nicholas Sparks book ghost written by Ole’ Woody, it might be. Because Natalie’s version of the “thing” she and Moby had is very different. Natalie tells Harper’s Bazaar that the scene of them kissing under some old trees only existed in his mind, because they never dated and only hung out as friends. Natalie says she moved Moby from the Friend Zone to the CreepyOldBitch Zone when she realized he wanted her like that.
“I was surprised to hear that he characterised the very short time that I knew him as dating because my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school,” Portman told us. “He said I was 20; I definitely wasn’t. I was a teenager. I had just turned 18. There was no fact checking from him or his publisher – it almost feels deliberate. That he used this story to sell his book was very disturbing to me. It wasn’t the case. There are many factual errors and inventions. I would have liked him or his publisher to reach out to fact check.
“I was a fan and went to one of his shows when I had just graduated,” she said. “When we met after the show, he said, ‘let’s be friends’. He was on tour and I was working, shooting a film, so we only hung out a handful of times before I realised that this was an older man who was interested in me in a way that felt inappropriate.”
Moby has responded to the “gossip piece” and claims his memoirs don’t belong in the fiction section, and says he and Natalie did get romantical for a time, and he has “photo evidence” including this picture of her standing next to his hairy nipples. But does he have pictures of that old tree kiss session?!
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I recently read a gossip piece wherein Natalie Portman said that we’d never dated. This confused me, as we did, in fact, date. And after briefly dating in 1999 we remained friends for years. I like Natalie, and I respect her intelligence and activism. But, to be honest, I can’t figure out why she would actively misrepresent the truth about our(albeit brief)involvement. The story as laid out in my book Then It Fell Apart is accurate, with lots of corroborating photo evidence, etc. Thanks, Moby Ps I completely respect Natalie’s possible regret in dating me(to be fair, I would probably regret dating me, too), but it doesn’t alter the actual facts of our brief romantic history
Elsewhere in the book, Moby writes about how in 2006, a 40-year-old-ish Moby had a date with a 21-year-old-ish Lana Del Rey (who was still Lizzy Grant back then), and he thought was going to taste her Pepsi Cola Pussy (wait, is that vegan?) but got shut down by her.
Maybe inside of the bald dome of delusion on Moby’s neck, he did “date” Natalie. Maybe when they were under those old trees, she pursed her lips to say “ewwww” after he went in for a kiss, and he took that as kissing. And maybe he slept outside of her dorm room door after she refused to let him in and he took that as “sleeping next to her.” Who knows, but I do know that Natalie probably wasn’t that off about him being creepy. I mean, he also writes that when he was at a party full of NYC businessmen back in the day, he and his friends played a game of “knob-touch” which led to Moby touching Donald Trump’s jacket with his dick.
“I drank a shot of vodka to brace myself, pulled my flaccid penis out of my pants, and casually walked past Trump, trying to brush the edge of his jacket with my penis. Luckily he didn’t seem to notice or even twitch.”
Hmm… You know, if you threw a Windowless White Van Owner Starter Kit (made up of black plastic aviator glasses, a stache, and a flannel) onto Moby, he would sort of look like a shorter Terry Richardson. Has anybody seen those two together? Quick, get them in the same room. Actually, don’t. None of us want to know what will happen if you get Uncle Terry and Uncle Moby into the same room.
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