I found my girlfriend's pros and cons list for another man

DEAR DEIDRE: I FOUND a letter my girlfriend had written, headed: What to do about Steve.

I was sorting through some books to give to a charity and found it tucked away inside the pages.

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It hurt like hell to read it — we have been together for ten years and have a six-year-old daughter.

I couldn’t think who Steve was at first but then it dawned on me that we employed a guy by that name to help us clear out my mum’s house three years ago after she died.

In the letter, my girlfriend had written a list of the good things and bad things about Steve.

She had written down that he was muscular, strong and sexy and he had a cheeky smile, but on the downside he was a bit rough around the edges, he was a smoker and had a few too many tattoos.

At the end of the letter she had written: “I still would though!”

It turns out that she had also been texting him. They nearly met up but she got cold feet at the last minute.

I am 37 and my girlfriend is 35. I thought we had a solid relationship, but this has devastated me.

I have been bringing up my girlfriend’s 12-year-old-daughter from a previous relationship as if she was my own, which she always will be.

When I showed my girlfriend the letter, she swore on our daughter’s life that nothing ever happened between her and Steve.

She apologised as she could see my distress. She said she was sorry for the pain it has caused me.

We are still together, two years on from my discovery, and she is now pregnant.

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I have tried so hard to move on, but sometimes I still feel in so much pain over this. I never got the chance to grieve for my mum either, and feel so lost.

Will the pain ever pass?

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DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, it will. There is a huge amount of emotional turbulence that comes with any kind of infidelity.

Your girlfriend didn’t physically cheat, this was emotional cheating, but it can be just as hurtful and damaging.

She does sound genuinely sorry. You have chosen to remain in the relationship and feel it’s worth fighting for.

In some ways, finding out about cheating can be like a bereavement, and you have experienced both.

My support packs Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Coping With Bereave-ment will help.

Do think about getting some support. Contact The Good Grief Trust (thegood grieftrust.org).

You have your children and your unborn baby to consider so do talk to your girlfriend and work on repairing your relationship together.

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